thinking of you

   In two different towns I had the same conversation with two different people. All of our words traced around the same thing; the past vs. the present. Where were you a year ago…Where are you today? Were you happy…are you happy now?  And who meant the absolute world to you then? Who no longer holds that place? Have they been replaced or is some dark shadow left behind?  My best friend told me, “You know, It’s not like a year ago I sat there thinking ‘everything’s going to be different, and that everyone’s going to be gone soon. I didn’t know where we’d be or who we’d be with. I just kept thinking of what was going on at the time.’” Isn’t that what we all try to do?  I mean try to stay  in the present because the future is just scary.  So we avoid it at all costs. A year ago I never thought I would be where I am now. Half a year ago and just a few months ago I had plans and they didn’t work out. That’s nothing new. Which is okay, because at the very least failed plans keep ones improvising skills in check. The thing is when you think back to a year ago or however long ago, you realize you have things to hold on to and things to let go of…But of which do you choose from? I feel it’s like the red wire or the green wire. You pick the wrong one and you’re fucked.  Havelock Ellis once said, “All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.”  To live you have to do both. To move on you have to be able to look back in the past but not stare at it. It’s done with. Anything that happened did so for a reason. Everything was different then. It’s all so different now. And next year I will be sitting at my desk with another cup of coffee going cold thinking, “god, it’s all different now.” This life is the strangest thing I’ve ever known. Just thought you should know. 

messes & demons

  This is by far my favorite picture. of all time. It just explains my whole life. At night everything else is just...difficult to deal with. I usually make coffee, stay up late, avoid homework, and write. or paint. or just lay on my bed thinking. or dig through boxes that I still haven't unpacked. (oops.) Lately I'm not the studious type of girl. Once upon a time I was. I very much liked doing homework and was quite good at studying. I mean straight A's all the way baby. So when I get a B, i'm still stoked, but i remember the days when i would have been disappointed in that. Honestly, I'm glad I'm not like that anymore.  I'm not sure what happened. I just stopped caring a little bit. I just figured other things were more important. I think I just work better under pressure and that's why I wait til the last minute. Plus I'm a Sagittarius; being productive is not our strongest suit. Still. Even though I get my work done, and it's alright, and I get alright grades, and sometimes even really swell grades...I'm bored. with it all. At some point in my life I became recklessly restless. I should fear that one day I will stop caring all together. I think though, if I majorly fuck up, I will just move to some random country. That way... the worse thing you can say about me is- "Yeah Tara really didn't do so hot in school and then she ran away to Italy. What a mess." 

yeah Italy...that sounds like a mess alright. sign me up baby. 

Apologies&Fake Diamondz...I can't tell what the time iz.

So, this is my first post. hmm... I used to have a blog at some point, but of course I didn't really commit...so here's to hoping this one goes differently! I use to think I had commitment issues. I would start something and then the sparkle would wear off, and soon I'd find myself bored. This cost my mother a few pretty pennies over the years. Which leads us to being BROKE.

I currently have 23 dollars in this gypsy purse of mine right now. I need to save it to get home this weekend. (Home is 2 hours away now.) All I want to do, however, is buy sushi at this place on campus. SUSHI?! I mean really, all I have in my cupboard is a box of noodles, peanut butter, bread, and two cans of soup. The fridge is an even more sad case: only a carton of eggs, lettuce, and an alarmingly low amount of orange juice! In conclusion I can no longer afford my lifestyle. Clearly. Sometimes I like to pretend I'm some starving artist or something ya know. That in the future I will be able to look back on these days and say to my 3rd husband, "Oh Fred, I remember when I was just 20 and I had no food and I was studying Apparel Merchandising & Advertising, and just partying and painting on the weekends! Oh, dear how time goes by." And hells bells, the time does go by. I have some meetings to attend to & then some studying to do & I'm still hungry! but at least I wrote something! I apologize for it not being any good though!