i'll be damned

I'll be damned. For about a year and half now i've had the best computer ever. In fact, I use to have heated debates with my ex boyfriend about how great my mac was and that I never had any problems with it. Really I never did. Well, like everything else, that has surely changed. The damn thing one day just up and stopped working. It won't turn on and won't charge. I'm still good friends with my ex and I refuse to mention that my mac is officially fucked because I'll never hear the end of it. So, you would think now, that I would be going pro pc now or something...but no. I'm still a mac lover. Why you ask? oh because just like anything else I'm a hopeless lover and I know that it's not really my macs fault. it's mine. why? because I have the worse luck in the whole entire world. Trust me, if it can happen it will happen to me. Sometimes I buy two of things becuase I know something will go wrong in the first 15 days. So now I'm stuck "studying" in the library...other than this i've actually gotten a lot done. So much in fact that i've significantly increased my grade in Advertising Principles. thankfully. The final exam will be easy and I'll survive my mothers wrath at the end of the semester. Maybe if that prof wasn't such a hefer.... I just need this week to get over with so I can go home and get my computer fixed. I truly love going to school here but sometimes you just need to go home and take a break. Although I won’t be doing much resting. I’ll be working a lot. And given the state my social life is in at this point Christmas break is going to be very, very interesting. Ah, I can’t wait… more drama and adventures. It’s always something.

discussing 20 years over some beers

Alas. It is 3:37am. I just finished a project for a class. It's not my best work, but it's better than I had expected. I'm just sitting here, listening to songs. All songs, mostly, are about love. It's like some universal thing. Ironic really, since we're always saying this universe lacks love. Yet, we sure do love to sing about it. We sing about it because it's true. The songs are there for a reason. Everyone goes through it at some point. As if its something you can get through. What if you never get through it?

  I was talking to my dad about relationships the other day, which is a very cautious topic with my dad. (He's been married 3 times and has had who knows how many relationships).  Anyways. My dad was 19 when he first got married...to some 16 year old  German girl when he moved to Germany to be in the army. He was in love with her, he's told me countless times that he loved her so. She was only 16 though and she wasn't serious; she just wanted to get away from her dad... so why not marry some handsome american boy (hellz yeah my dad was good looking back in the day, why ya think i'm so pretty?! LOL) but anyways seriously. now. So they were married and stayed together for about 2 years until he was moved to Hawaii where she also went with him. She hated it there because she didn't know anyone and she eventually started running around on him. Whenever my dad talks about this his voice gets really deep and he starts talking slower. It still hurts him.  I asked him that day, "How long did it take you to get over her?" rather bold on my part I might say. One thing I believe in is never ask questions when you don't really want the answer. He replied, "At least 20 years." This shocked me. Of all things he could have said I didn't think that. By then he had already been married to my mom.

   So I'm just wondering...Do we ever truly get over someone? sure we can get over the random relationships... But what about that one person whom you just had a spark with...that one person that things just seemed right with? Do we just pretend to get over it while pretending to move on until we find someone else and hope that the old feelings fade? I guess so. I guess sometimes you just love more than one person at the same time and I guess sometimes we carry some pain around for years and years, like my dad, until we find something better. Or something better finds us. It's just that's a lot of pain for a lot of time. Are we suppose to know that pain so that when something good comes along we know that it truly is good? I don't know...

thinking of you

   In two different towns I had the same conversation with two different people. All of our words traced around the same thing; the past vs. the present. Where were you a year ago…Where are you today? Were you happy…are you happy now?  And who meant the absolute world to you then? Who no longer holds that place? Have they been replaced or is some dark shadow left behind?  My best friend told me, “You know, It’s not like a year ago I sat there thinking ‘everything’s going to be different, and that everyone’s going to be gone soon. I didn’t know where we’d be or who we’d be with. I just kept thinking of what was going on at the time.’” Isn’t that what we all try to do?  I mean try to stay  in the present because the future is just scary.  So we avoid it at all costs. A year ago I never thought I would be where I am now. Half a year ago and just a few months ago I had plans and they didn’t work out. That’s nothing new. Which is okay, because at the very least failed plans keep ones improvising skills in check. The thing is when you think back to a year ago or however long ago, you realize you have things to hold on to and things to let go of…But of which do you choose from? I feel it’s like the red wire or the green wire. You pick the wrong one and you’re fucked.  Havelock Ellis once said, “All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.”  To live you have to do both. To move on you have to be able to look back in the past but not stare at it. It’s done with. Anything that happened did so for a reason. Everything was different then. It’s all so different now. And next year I will be sitting at my desk with another cup of coffee going cold thinking, “god, it’s all different now.” This life is the strangest thing I’ve ever known. Just thought you should know. 

messes & demons

  This is by far my favorite picture. of all time. It just explains my whole life. At night everything else is just...difficult to deal with. I usually make coffee, stay up late, avoid homework, and write. or paint. or just lay on my bed thinking. or dig through boxes that I still haven't unpacked. (oops.) Lately I'm not the studious type of girl. Once upon a time I was. I very much liked doing homework and was quite good at studying. I mean straight A's all the way baby. So when I get a B, i'm still stoked, but i remember the days when i would have been disappointed in that. Honestly, I'm glad I'm not like that anymore.  I'm not sure what happened. I just stopped caring a little bit. I just figured other things were more important. I think I just work better under pressure and that's why I wait til the last minute. Plus I'm a Sagittarius; being productive is not our strongest suit. Still. Even though I get my work done, and it's alright, and I get alright grades, and sometimes even really swell grades...I'm bored. with it all. At some point in my life I became recklessly restless. I should fear that one day I will stop caring all together. I think though, if I majorly fuck up, I will just move to some random country. That way... the worse thing you can say about me is- "Yeah Tara really didn't do so hot in school and then she ran away to Italy. What a mess." 

yeah Italy...that sounds like a mess alright. sign me up baby. 

Apologies&Fake Diamondz...I can't tell what the time iz.

So, this is my first post. hmm... I used to have a blog at some point, but of course I didn't really commit...so here's to hoping this one goes differently! I use to think I had commitment issues. I would start something and then the sparkle would wear off, and soon I'd find myself bored. This cost my mother a few pretty pennies over the years. Which leads us to being BROKE.

I currently have 23 dollars in this gypsy purse of mine right now. I need to save it to get home this weekend. (Home is 2 hours away now.) All I want to do, however, is buy sushi at this place on campus. SUSHI?! I mean really, all I have in my cupboard is a box of noodles, peanut butter, bread, and two cans of soup. The fridge is an even more sad case: only a carton of eggs, lettuce, and an alarmingly low amount of orange juice! In conclusion I can no longer afford my lifestyle. Clearly. Sometimes I like to pretend I'm some starving artist or something ya know. That in the future I will be able to look back on these days and say to my 3rd husband, "Oh Fred, I remember when I was just 20 and I had no food and I was studying Apparel Merchandising & Advertising, and just partying and painting on the weekends! Oh, dear how time goes by." And hells bells, the time does go by. I have some meetings to attend to & then some studying to do & I'm still hungry! but at least I wrote something! I apologize for it not being any good though!