thinking of you

   In two different towns I had the same conversation with two different people. All of our words traced around the same thing; the past vs. the present. Where were you a year ago…Where are you today? Were you happy…are you happy now?  And who meant the absolute world to you then? Who no longer holds that place? Have they been replaced or is some dark shadow left behind?  My best friend told me, “You know, It’s not like a year ago I sat there thinking ‘everything’s going to be different, and that everyone’s going to be gone soon. I didn’t know where we’d be or who we’d be with. I just kept thinking of what was going on at the time.’” Isn’t that what we all try to do?  I mean try to stay  in the present because the future is just scary.  So we avoid it at all costs. A year ago I never thought I would be where I am now. Half a year ago and just a few months ago I had plans and they didn’t work out. That’s nothing new. Which is okay, because at the very least failed plans keep ones improvising skills in check. The thing is when you think back to a year ago or however long ago, you realize you have things to hold on to and things to let go of…But of which do you choose from? I feel it’s like the red wire or the green wire. You pick the wrong one and you’re fucked.  Havelock Ellis once said, “All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.”  To live you have to do both. To move on you have to be able to look back in the past but not stare at it. It’s done with. Anything that happened did so for a reason. Everything was different then. It’s all so different now. And next year I will be sitting at my desk with another cup of coffee going cold thinking, “god, it’s all different now.” This life is the strangest thing I’ve ever known. Just thought you should know.